We Need To Talk About Weezer
Problems That Still Plague Me About Weezer’s First Hit: Undone (The Sweater Song)
“If you want to destroy my sweater/hold this thread as I walk away”
1. Whoa, whoa, whoa why do you think I want to destroy your sweater, Rivers Cuomo? That’s a wild assumption. It’s true one time you asked, “what do you think of my sweater” and I was like, “eh,” but that was just because I’m just not a sweater person. The last, no, the only guy to make sweaters work was Bill Cosby. I mean, even the J. Crew models are mostly just standing there while the sweaters coexist in their physical space. Really the BEST you can hope for from a sweater is that it’s the vaguely annoying friend you bring with you to a party who doesn’t talk to you all night and just sits in the corner looking through the host’s coffee table books on photography. Now, why you took my ambivalence to mean that I want to DESTROY your sweater is beyond me. Don’t you remember that time there was that spider and I didn’t even kill him? I just trapped him in a cup and let him go outside. Or, like, that time you set up all those cards into a perfect house that literally anyone else would have had the urge to knock down. I didn’t. I wanted to, but I didn’t, because I’m just not a destructive person so I feel like you’re blowing my emotions to your sweater all out of proportion.
2. Is “hold this thread while I walk away” really the best way to destroy a sweater, Rivers? Because it sounds like it’s going to take a really long time. I mean, what if we’re half way through and I get hungry? Are we going to take a destruction-from-the-sweater-make-a-turkey-sandwich break? Can we decide on a signal in advance, like a safe word? I mean, I’m not trying to fight you on this, but, look, why can’t I just aggressively demolish your sweater? I’m not saying I have a flamethrower on hand, sitting around, immediately available, like, in my basement next to that stack of books I haven’t decided if I’m going to keep or donate including the one my ex gave me that he said I’d really like but I never even got around to reading and that’s probably a sort of metaphor for why we’re not together, but IF I DID have a flamethrower, could I just burn your sweater? Or, maybe we’re just thinking too out of the box here. People have been destroying sweaters since the dawn of modern laundry by just putting them on high in the dryer. How about I just do that?
3. No, sticking with this hold the thread thing, I see. Ok, that’s fine, so you want me to watch it unravel, you’ll soon be naked. But… it’s a sweater. RIVERS, WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS? Is this a sweater dress? Were you not telling me that up front, that you were wearing a sweater dress? Is it because you were embarrassed to be a man wearing a dress? It seems like if you’re going to make a bold non-gendered fashion decision like that you should really own it, because it’s inevitable people are going to stare, you know? You had other options. Didn’t you? Did you have no other options but to wear a sweater dress? Rivers, what’s going on? Are you living at home? Is everything ok? Buddy, do you need to talk, we can talk.
4. Ok so you’re naked and lying on the floor. Are you across the room? Because you said you walked away? Although, really, if I was just holding a thread and unravelled the whole sweater you had to walk pretty far. How long would a single thread that makes an entire sweater, no, sweaterdress go? Is there math for that? Ten miles? A hundred miles? Would the thread reach to the sun? If I lined the thread up next to all of the plastic bottles that no one recycles, how many native Americans and/or knitting-appreciative grandmothers would weep? Probably a lot. So, wait, the dude whose sweater I destroyed just found a way to get really far away from me and I’m here holding the smoking thread. I think it’s time I asked myself, is this guy even my friend? Because I’m pretty sure I’m being set up for sweater-homicide, which is totally a real thing, at least in Canada.