Bits of Stuff

anything less than free refills is shameful.

Apr 19
my tights are red and my couch is orange

my tights are red and my couch is orange


How To Eat For Free

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Step 1: Pick darkly lit, moderately-priced, impressive without being too fancy, nouveau-American cuisine restaurant

Step 2: Identify 2-tops with a guy and a girl seated at them

Step 3: Look for girls dressed in cute black outfits showing a bit of cleavage, nervously touching their hair or lips repeatedly and laughing too much at the guys’ jokes- these are girls on dates with guys they kind of like

Step 4: Watch for the guy to finish his meal, approach table, offer to take plates away

Step 5: Take her entree to your table and enjoy 2/3 of a really nice meal that some lying skinny bitch wanted to pretend she couldn’t possibly finish

Step 6: Repeat twice (eating the meals ordered by 3 girls-on-dates is the equivalent of 1 normal sized dinner portion)


Apr 11

oh-howdareme asked: In response to your letter to your haters. We are not sorry! We got so wrapped up in hating more conventional people like Kanye West or women in general. As you said, schedules are tight and we've got to get to hating the writers of HIMYM first and then the Kardashians. Maybe England. In a few short days, I'm sure we could fit in enough hate related posts towards you, or hopefully even hatemail! Fuck off and die! ~<3 your haters~

This is valid. I appreciate your timely response. I would like to remind you that I am a “woman in general,” should you need to fit me into a pre-packaged hate box. (box.)

Very best/worst,

-m


Dear Haters

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Letter to my haters,

Hi! How are you? I hope you’re doing super great! Well, I mean, like, in a hateful way- great meaning bad or something. I hope you don’t think I meant I don’t want you to be full of hate, because that is absolutely, like, the OPPOSITE of what I mean! I just hope that you’re hating in the way that makes you happiest and or angriest, depending on what you want to get out of all that hate.

I feel like this didn’t get off to the best start. I’m sorry. Hey, you can hate me for it! See, I’m always thinking of you.

Anyway, I know everyone’s time is tight these days- so many conveniences and yet so little time, it’s the modern paradox! I just wanted to write you a little note to say thanks. Thanks for taking the time to hate me. I know you have a lot of options for hate in this dense, overly-connected world and I don’t take for granted that you chose me.

Here’s the thing though, you’re very quiet. And I’m sorry, I do not mean to criticize, but, well, I guess I just get kind of wrapped up in that “keeping up with the e-Jones” mentality. Every time I open a social media site, all I see are people fighting with their haters. Getting in some good jabs. Taking some appropriately detached, intellectually superior swings. Reposting threats and angry rants with headers like “wow, I’ve got great fans.” Fun stuff like that. 

I can’t do any of that. Because I never hear from you. I really don’t mean to call you out, make you an example. I’m sure you’re just very shy. Or very busy! I mean, I know how many times I’ve thought “ugh, I have GOT to make a point to go back and hate that later” and then just totally space, so I get it. I don’t want to add any pressure to your already stressful day. I guess I’m just hoping that maybe you’ll see me noticing you and it might inspire you to speak up. If you have the time? Because also in some ways, your silence has been really good for my self-growth. Each time I don’t hear from you, I learn to hate myself instead. You’re making me very hate independent. I guess I should be thanking you for that! Is it ok to thank you? Does that make you hate me more or less? I really don’t get the rules.

Ok, hater, I know this letter’s already too long. I hate that! Ha! I hope you have a really nice night and/or the worst night ever!

Love (hatefully),

-maura


Apr 4
The only time I put on makeup is alone on my couch on a Friday night and then I wash it all off before bed.  That&#8217;s normal, right?

The only time I put on makeup is alone on my couch on a Friday night and then I wash it all off before bed.  That’s normal, right?


Mar 27

Stages Of Man (an IM conversation)

Me: So a married guy is hitting on you in a sad, depressed, I’m married and trapped in a life I don’t know what to do with kind of way, not a “hey baby, TITTIES!” kind of way?
Y: what about I’m depressed, my life sucks BUT titties??”
Me: that’s for 30 somethings
he’s in his 40s
20’s are tits and vodka
30’s are I’m depressed, hey look tits and craft beer
40’s are I would not mind being depressed on your tits with a good scotch
Y: and 50’s i would say it’s tits and vodka again


Mar 22

Subversive Toddler Theatre

While eating a bowl of nuts, my 2 and a half year old composed this short play, which I have titled:

Political Dissident Cashew Slacktivism: A Play In One Act, as performed by Lucas

[All parts voiced by one actor]

Gruff voice: “Stand up!”

High voice: “I don’t want to stand up!”

High squeal yell: “ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

(turns to audience)

Narrator: “Mommy, guess what, the nut didn’t want to stand up.”

High voice: “I’m not gonna stand up”

"evil maniacal laughter"

FIN.

Mar 12

Open Letter to Bill O’Reilly Regarding President Obama on “Between Two Ferns”

Dear Bill O’Reilly,
Hi! Thanks for reading this! Long time super-irritated-listener, first time open-letter responder!

Alright, let’s get to it. So you said Abraham Lincoln would not have gone on a comedy show like President Obama recently did on Between Two Ferns to promote the US Healthcare website.

There are so many things I want to say to you, but the world and internet being what they are, I have to say them quickly (I only have 30 minutes for lunch and then back to work. How long is your lunch break? I’m guessing from the amount of time you seem to have to research things for your show, it must be pretty brief, huh? Sucks, doesn’t it?! Whatever happened to a full honest-American hour for lunch, amirite?).

I thought your assessment of Lincoln’s sense of humor was kind of strange. I won’t rewrite Robert Mankoff’s 2012 New Yorker article (http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/cartoonists/2012/11/lincolns-smile.html), but I will borrow from it for the following: “A journalist covering the Lincoln-Douglas debates commented that ‘I could not take a real personal liking to the man, owing to an inborn weakness for which he was even then notorious and so remained during his great public career, he was inordinately fond of jokes, anecdotes, and stories.’”

And here, I’ll let Lincoln say a few things on the matter of his sense of humor:

"It’s not me who can’t keep a secret. It’s the people I tell that can’t"
-Abraham Lincoln

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee"
-Abraham Lincoln

“Honestly, if I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
-Abraham Lincoln (he said this one during a debate with Stephen Douglas, right there, during a political discussion)

But, ok, Mr. O’Reilly, let me give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you weren’t doubting Lincoln’s sense of humor, but making a broader point that humor has no place in subjects of gravitas, that comedy is not an effective tool of communication for serious matters?

While the internet is all about trying to reinvent the wheel, I’m going to skip that, since, seriously, my boss is staring at the clock. So let me just direct you to Chris Bliss’ lovely Ted Talk on the matter: http://www.ted.com/talks/chris_bliss_comedy_is_translation
And because I don’t expect you sit and watch someone talk and talk for 15 whole minutes (who has that kind of attention span?!), let me sum up: good comedy has the ability to break down the natural defensive barriers that we often put up when hearing points that do not interest us or differ from our own beliefs.

Alright, perhaps you don’t really care to debate the value of humor as a tool of communication. Perhaps you just hate that Obama, knowing that it is critical that young, healthy Americans sign up for Healthcare, went on a platform that specifically appeals to young Americans, his target audience? Perhaps you feel that they should have come to him? Was your argument that Lincoln would never have gone to where the people already were and addressed them in a way that appealed to them to make his point? Now, like I said, I know NEITHER of us have a lot of research time here, but, well, not to throw it in your face but I am a little bit younger than you, Bill. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you look GREAT, truly, I’m just trying to point out that maybe I remember my elementary school history a tad clearer since I’m not (quite) as removed from it as you are? I don’t know, I guess we could both just go ask a 9 year old because as I recall, Lincoln was actually one of the most noted stump-speakers. You know, that thing where politicians traveled around to local populations and spoke to them casually, in language they were familiar with? It was kind of one of the things he was known for.

Ok, Mr. O’Reilly, I really do have to go, I didn’t even get a chance to eat my sandwich! And you have every right to criticize the President all you like. In fact, this kind of reminded me of you: “The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat and dishwatery utterances of the man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as the President of the United States” (the Chicago Times response to the Gettysburg Address.)

Hope you have a super-great day!
Very best,
Maura


Feb 3

Jan 16

Joke Necrophilia Part II

A few years ago I wrote an incomplete list of joke formats that had officially died-despite the fact that everyone seemed to keep doing them.  I think it’s time to add a few more to our coroner’s report.  

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-How come we PARK in a DRIVEway but everyone thinks this is an original set up for an unrelated thought?


-*Pulls away from kissing* Have you ever noticed how this isn’t even a joke, just wish fulfillment that the tweeters might actually kiss someone instead of dying alone?


-“I really miss this style of making jokes.” -said no one ever


-Sorry I did something inappropriate at a notable occasion in your life.

no, wait, let me clarify this one

Sorry I used a tired joke format at your cat’s bar mitzvah.


-I don’t have the knowledge and education to create real things in the world, so instead I’ll just make a joke about things that should exist, because science!

 


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