anything less than free refills is shameful.
Joke Necrophilia Part II
A few years ago I wrote an incomplete list of joke formats that had officially died, despite the fact that everyone seemed to keep doing them. I think it’s time to add a few more to our coroner’s report.
-How come we PARK in a DRIVEway but everyone thinks this is an original set up for an unrelated thought?
-*Pulls away from kissing* Have you ever noticed how this isn’t even a joke, just wish fulfillment that the tweeters might actually kiss someone instead of dying alone?
-“I really miss this style of making jokes.”
-said no one ever
-Sorry I did something inappropriate at a momentous occasion in your life.
no, wait, let me clarify this one,
Sorry I used a tired joke format at your cat’s bar mitzvah.
—I don’t have the knowledge and education to create real things in the world, so instead I’ll just make a joke about things that should exist, because science!
I understand that there are people worldwide who are rising up to overthrow oppressive regimes and that these individuals may find each other and band together against a common enemy, but if you call this a “rebel alliance,” I’m always going to think you mean Star Wars.
Barbie’s Totes Right: Math Is Hard
New Word Problems:
If dinner reservations are at 8pm but you know that your friend always runs 45 minutes late, at what time should you tell her that she’s an inconsiderate asshole?
In October, Mary weighed 2lbs more than she did in November. In December, Mary weighed 10lbs more than she weighed in November. In January, Mary weighed 2lbs less than she weighed in December. If this pattern continues, how much will Mary think about killing herself in February?
Two women are approaching each other from opposite directions and traveling 5 miles. Girl A is traveling at 2mph and left at 1:25pm. Girl B is traveling at 3mph and left at 1:40. At what time will they fake gush over each other’s outfits like they don’t think the other one is super tacky?
CAUTION: Gushy Mushy Grossness Ahead
Lately I’ve read a lot of people talking about what not to do on twitter. Rules and all that. Not to be Little Mary Sunshine, but damnit it’s my birthday and I’m sick of hearing about how everyone’s doing twitter wrong and finding things to hate, so, instead, I wanted to share with you what keeps me on this site. Here’s what I love on twitter-
1. I love when you star me. Thanks, it’s awesome and it gives me a tiny sense of joy which, on some days, might be all I have. Ok, not really, my life is pretty full and nice but as the sort of person who has yelled at her car for not heating the air fast enough and a necklace for not clasping when I told it to, moments of joy are greatly appreciated.
2. OMG you RT’d me. That’s so fucking awesome. Even if it’s only because you want your friends to know that there’s an idiot out there saying really stupid things so you can all sit around laughing at me and not with me, I don’t care. You still wanted to share. You could have made fun of anyone but you chose me. I’m honored, every single damn time.
3. When you @ reply me. I know, I suck. A lot of times I tweet and log off, or even, I saw your @ reply and I didn’t @ back. That was kind of rude of me, I’m sorry. It might be that you were too clever and I don’t want to look like I couldn’t keep up, so I figured it was better to say nothing. Don’t think it doesn’t mean I don’t love it though (enough negatives in that sentence?)
4. When you say funny things and I star you. I love stars, stars are free, they make a person feel good. I star liberally, but I don’t star anything I don’t like. Thanks for making me laugh. You have no idea how many times I’ve said in conversation- “I heard the funniest tweet today.” My friends think I’m lame, but I think you’re awesome.
5. The idea that we might really be friends. There’s a lot of that high school era “omg bffs love you FOREVER” stuff on twitter, especially between girls. Honestly, sometimes it bums me out. Sometimes when I watch that go back and forth, I feel like the nerd sitting on a bench alone hoping everyone will think I WANT to spend study hall reading instead of talking about boys because omg get a life, define yourself by ideas and actions, not which boys winked at you, but secretly, deep inside, I wish someone would compliment my knee socks and ask me to make fun of Cosmo with them. There are some people on here that just seem so damn cool, too cool, queen bee cool (sorry Lorde). But there are other people who just seem, well, cool. Like the sort of people I’d like to have a drink with and make jokes with and talk about our favorite NPR programs and have them explain to me what the point of podcasts are. I hope that happens. I don’t want surface bullshit LOVE YOU friends, I want real ones. I’ve found a few. I think I might find a few more before I’m done.
6. I love that the little silly thoughts I have every day are good for something. They entertain people sometimes and holy hell that feels great. Thanks for encouraging me. My family would ask you to stop, of course, but thanks. It’s all I’ve really wanted. I mean, that and for cheese to not have calories. Maybe negative calories? Like if eating brie counted as a workout, that would be good- just in case any wish-granting genies read my tumblr (congrats on making it out of your lamp! Nice pants!).
I Think I Might Go Postal
If you guys don’t mind, I saw something today and had to share…
This morning I had the usually unpleasant task of going to the post office to mail a stack of things (yes, there are still post offices, Virginia). It was uncharacteristically quiet -for once there was no line-and yet the woman behind the counter looked up at me sheepishly as I approached and asked if I’d mind waiting.
I noticed her going through a stack of holiday cards and packages and swiping her own credit card. I guess I must have looked curious.
She smiled guiltily.
"A lot of people send stuff with not enough postage this time of year. They probably just miscalculate or forget. I don’t want to have to bounce any of them back, it’s the holidays."
It wasn’t one or two, it was 20 or 30, all in pretty envelopes, holiday cards and boxes. I saw one small package that seemed to be to the grandchildren, from grandparents across the country. And out of her own pocket, this postal worker was just quietly and without recognition, paying for all of them, to make sure no one missed out on these little moments of love sent through the mail.
It was a good reminder that sometimes we don’t even know when someone has done something nice for us. It made my day, hope it makes yours too.
Sorry for all that sincerity, don’t worry, I’m tapped for the week now. Happy Thursday.
Diamonds Are Forever(ISH)
- (I spent Thanksgiving with my brother who's going through a divorce)
- Bro: We're talking about dividing assets so we declared the house and cars, but, you know, her engagement ring was thousands of dollars, so can I ask her to declare that?
- Me: No, of course not. That was a gift.
- Bro: It was really more of a loan...
It Could Still Be Called Linkedin
I’ve decided there needs to be a Linkedin, but for sex- where you connect with all of your past sexual partners, and recommend (or not recommend) them to others.
It would make dating easier, and hooking up much more reliable. Avoid the embarrassing moment with friends of, “I had no idea you already hooked up with the guy whose tongue is currently down my throat” by checking how many connectors apart you are before you “connect offline” (that’s what the kids are calling it, or should be calling it, get on that, kids).
People would be able to make informed decisions. No more rolling the dice at a bar, just fake a trip to the bathroom and hop on your phone. Let’s see, this dude has been endorsed for Oral Sex, Clean Apartment and Not Calling The Next Day- perfect!
Plus you’d finally get the that endorsement request- Does your Ex know about “Pleasing a Woman” and you’d get to be all, haha, SKIP!
This is the sort of email notification I want in my junk hotmail account nestled between Groupon offers for teeth whitening and some notification for 5Ks in my area that I over-ambitiously signed up for on that one day I thought I might get my act together and actually start exercising instead of re-watching every season of Arrested Development for the 9th time: Maura, congratulate your connection James on his new conquest!
Just think how many bad one-night stands, how many unpleasant surprise “what’s going on there” naked reveals, how many “I was not expecting you to be a plushie” moments could be avoided?
I Know It’s Only Rock And Roll But I Hate It
(this baby listens to cooler music than you)
Every so often I step back and assess my music and realize that I’m completely out of touch with what “the kids” are listening to. When I say “the kids,” I’m not entirely sure who I mean because the handful of 23 yr olds I know are actually listening to the new Vampire Weekend and Arcade Fire albums and I can keep up with that. But I can’t help but notice that when I go into Forever 21, trying to ignore other shoppers giving me supportive looks for being cool enough to shop for my pre-teen daughter which rapidly turn to looks of confused pity when I enter the dressing room, I don’t recognize any of the songs they’re blasting in at a volume that makes most nightclubs seem like zen temples of relaxation.
So this morning, I decided to remedy that. I breathed deeply, streamed a “hits” playlist and leaned in (thanks Sheryl Sandberg, good stuff, really). And I listened. I tried. But it didn’t take long for me to realize I had absolutely no idea what I felt about anything I was hearing. In fact, it all sounded sort of the same to me. That’s when I realized that maybe I was simply too old. I wasn’t the demographic this music was aimed at. I needed an interpreter, someone closer to the target audience age to help me parse out what among this music was something I should give additional listens to. So, I asked my 2 year old, Lucas, to help me out. Here’s what he decided:
Come & Get It by Selena Gomez
(me: Do you like this?)
Luc: I do. I don’t. I do. I don’t. (then he told me he wanted to cut my hair)
VERDICT: Selena Gomez might be a guilty pleasure and also my look is outdated.
Nothing Was The Same by Drake
Luc: *eye rolling* no *walks away*
VERDICT: Drake is not cool, duh. (to be clear, using the word “duh” is undoubtedly also not cool)
Love Me Again by John Newman
Luc: noooooooo *throws his face into the couch and continues whining, muffled* noooooooooo!
VERDICT: Listening to John Newman is an effective form of punishment.
Payphone (feat. Wiz Khalifa) by Maroon 5
Luc: No. I don’t like it. Mommy. I don’t like it. Ok? I don’t.
VERDICT: It would be embarrassing for anyone to even think you might like Maroon 5.
TKO by Justin Timberlake
Luc: *turns around to face the speakers, starts casually dancing while playing with little cars* I ask “Luc, do you like this song?” *ignores me, starts flying the cars through space, around the room, stopping to bounce every so often* I ask again, “do you like this song?” Long pause, and then finally, “no.” *keeps dancing and rhythmically flying cars*
VERDICT: Deny it all you want, Justin Timberlake is going to make you dance, the man does what he does well
Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus
Luc: *runs furiously out of the room* *runs back in, hears song is still playing, runs out again*
VERDICT: My kid has decent taste in music.
I Love It by Icona Pop
Luc: “I DON’T CARE LOVE IT!!!” *dances insanely like he just mainlined heroin laced espresso beans*
VERDICT: Good song.