Bits of Stuff

Sep 17

RT @AllWeAskFor Shawarma with no garlic sauce? #MuslimRage

While I adore the fact that Muslims turned a potentially insulting hashtag into an opportunity for everyone to laugh, I can’t help but wonder where all of these tweeters were when the fires were burning and people were getting killed a few days ago.

This is not to say that there wasn’t a response, I’m sure there was. Maybe it’s me, maybe I missed it. But when I speak to someone like my conservative father, who asks why Muslims aren’t condemning the attacks that are happening with a loud unified voice, I don’t know how to respond. I WANT to respond that they are, I WANT to point to something, but I can’t.

Partially, that’s on me, I’m sure I haven’t done enough research. However, how much research do I have to do? How far do I have to dig? Why isn’t the vocal condemnation loud and clear and in front of all of our faces?

I’m asking out of a pure desire to understand. I believe we’re all people. I believe we do not want to harm each other. I’d like to hear it more. From all of us.

Sep 12

Oh Online Dating… Oh You

I’m looking at Match for a friend. I’m also drinking. Here’s what I’ve learned, boys, take note.

1. Apparently all men everywhere make over $100k. How I’ve been lucky enough to have met the, like, 4 poor guys in the world, I don’t know. I’m apparently very talented.

2. Dudes know that we women think it’s hot when they hold kids and they will post photos to take advantage of this, regardless of whether or not they immediately screamed “what the fuck this little asshole just totally destroyed my Armani shirt with his bastard grubby tiny asshole hands!” right after the photo was taken. What I’m saying is, they’re on to us.

3. Apparently no one smokes anymore? I’m good with that, but, really?

4. That one time you were miserable because you HAD to wear a tux for your sister’s wedding? That’s the best photo ever taken of you and you will apparently exploit it

until you’re 70.

5. Yes, sure, guys, you like cats/cheese/US Weekly? Shut up and stop pretending you know what “women want”, it’s lame and boring.

6. Holding puppies in a photo just means the guy doesn’t know anyone who has a kid who they could have held instead.

7. Saying you’re funny will never replace making us laugh, you idiots. If you’re leaving humor out of your profile because you think women aren’t funny enough to get it, you’re not worth dating anyway.

8. Yes, we get it, you read comic books, you want a girl who thinks that’s cool, please stop using “partner in crime” in your profiles. You’re looking for a date, not someone to rob a bank with you. At least, I think that’s what you’re looking for?

9. Shut up, you’re not as outdoorsy as you think you are. Yeah, ok, you went kayaking that one time in college, that doesn’t make it a hobby.

10. No one likes jazz clubs, not even Miles Davis, it doesn’t make you look cool to claim that you do, it makes you look desperate and kind of sad.

11. You are not as laid-back as you think you are. Don’t make me find your ex-girlfriends and get them to verify that.

Jun 19

Irritated turtle kind of day (Taken with Instagram)

When we were little, we’d answer our toy cell phones and pretend someone was on the other side, saying “hi, yes, how are you?”

Since kids always emulate what they see, I’m guessing my kid is eventually going to play with his cell phone by looking at it, rolling his eyes, muttering “learn to text like everyone else” and then ignoring it.

Jun 13

I think it’s sad when people say all they want is for their kids to have a better life than they had.

All I want is for my life to have been so awesome, my kid says, I hope I can live up to that.

May 30

Must Be The Money!

When you have a job, just getting out of bed and going to your place of employment counts as “doing something productive with your life”- even if you spend the entire day sending all calls to voicemail and reading XKCD. When someone asks what you did today, you get to say “oh, you know, work.”

When you don’t have a job, people will ask you what you did today and because they know you are not actually employed you have to struggle to show your work and it seems saying “I read XKCD for 3 hrs, stared out the window and thought about awesome rap parodies that should exist if they don’t already” no longer counts as leading a productive existence.

Reason 1 why being employed is better than not being employed, you actually have to do less to shut people up.

Apr 5

Music History

me: Why did James Taylor feel the need to tell us he's seen fire and he's seen rain?
Corey: I think it was a response song to CCR's "Have you ever seen the rain?"
me: oh, so that's how they did rap battles back in the 70s? I take it the "fuck you" in James's song was implied.
Corey: yes indeed! CCR's followed up with: "I didn't ask about fire, James"
me: And JT's next hit was: "Because you've never seen it, CCR. BAM!"
Corey: Of course the feud led to more confusing songs, which ultimately spelled the end of both acts.
me: CCR's "Have Too!" charted, but just barely, peaking at #98
me: JT's song of nothing but him making raspberry sounds while set to a melodic guitar lines was considered too inaccessible for most fans.
The title "This Is What I Think Of You Anyway" was also too long to really catch popular imagination and interest
Corey: and CCR's "Oh, Real Mature" was just too condescending, according to the critics.

Feb 2

POTUS Sounds Like a Disease

I find it sad that we feel the need to latch onto out of context soundbites and blow them into deeply felt creeds or indications of a person’s character or full beliefs. Yes, Mitt Romney said “I’m not concerned about the very poor,” but why do we need this mangled half-quote to fight him? If you don’t like the guy, why not just fight against his plans, the principles he professes, the actual real things he has done? Probably for the same reason I’m not giving you a list of those things, because we’re all too lazy. That would take far more time than I have this morning to compile. It’s depressing that apparently it would take far more time than news reporters, whose actual job it is to compile these facts, seem to have either.

Anyway, none of this is said in support of Romney, or to say that he is not out of touch with the very poor. In fact, my guess is that he is, because as someone who makes about 99.9% less than Romeny, who rents an apartment, who doesn’t own a car because they’re too expensive and who actually saved a paper towel the other day because “I didn’t get it too dirty and it’s totally still good,” I myself feel pretty out of touch with the very poor.

Oh well, why fight it… Romney also keeps saying ”ass” (in the full quotes, “ass” may have been said within the word “class” but ignore that, Mitt’s got a dirty dirty mouth!).

Jan 31

Are You There Tumblr, It’s Me, Maura

I was trying to think of someone I know who does not HATE their job. I couldn’t think of many/any…

Someone out there, SOMEONE must be at least comfortably ok with their work, right?Please, please give me hope that you don’t have to be completely miserable every single day…

Jan 30

Don’t Worry- I Hate Myself So Hard

I’m sure it was really cute when whoever started saying that he/she loved something “so hard,” but I think we have reached the tipping point, and I’m afraid it is no longer cute and quirky that you’re being willfully ungrammatical and now it’s just annoying and borderline idiotic and I am starting to doubt that many current users of this phraseology even know that it isn’t structurally correct.